Why My Dog Will Never be a Good Citizen

4 Jun

This is Kirby.

(In case you don’t speak dog, “Woof!” roughly translates to “Hello, I’m a dog!”)

Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to sneak him into places where he’s not allowed…malls, restaurants, libraries. I recognize these are places where he shouldn’t be anyway, but Kirby and I, we answer to no one. Sure, I could carry him around in a purse but I fear being judged as one of those girls. Plus, I have a strong suspicion that my arm would get very tired, very quickly.

I figured out that Kirby’s golden ticket into dog-unfriendly establishments is a service dog bandana – he can go anywhere with one of those babies. The problem is, apparently, they don’t just give bandanas out. I researched it and apparently the dog has to earn it. What bull. At 11 lbs and over a year old, Kirby is vastly unqualified to become a guide dog. He’s also somewhat afraid of bathrooms. I’m pretty sure it’s important for guide dogs to be able to fearlessly walk into bathrooms, for obvious reasons.

Therefore, the viable option is for him to try to become a therapy dog. Sounds cushy, right? Wrong! In order to become licensed as a therapy dog, Kirby needs to pass an AKC Canine Good Citizen test. The criteria can be found here:


In short, it’s fairly rigorous and I am fairly certain that Kirby would fail at least half of these tasks, seeing that this is his response to most of my commands:

“Kirby come!”

“Kiiiiiiirby …coooooooome!”

Granted, if you happen to have a treat on hand, it’s a completely different story.

Kirby will beg.

Kirby will lie down.

Kirby will play dead, though I more convinced that he’s feigning illness for sympathy.

Kirby will invade your personal space.

Kirby will even try to do his entire repertoire of tricks simultaneously, sans command. He’s a go-getter. In fact, if the AKC will allow me to hold a Beggin’ Strip over his head throughout the entire exam, then Kirby may have a fighting chance. Unfortunately, this is unlikely the case, so I will need to devise a new way to smuggle Kirby into places. Suggestions?


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